Patriot's History
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1609 1776 1789 1820s 1840s 1860s 1870s 1890s 1900 1918 1930s 1945 1950s 1960s 1980s 1990s 2001 |
Haranguing History (Patriot's Version)Conditions embryonic and malevolentconfronted our intrepid primogenitors, who puritanically endured the devilment of natives insubordinate to promisors of deeds and deities and rights to property and bold prognostications of prosperity through labor in the steaming fields, and liberty begotten by antipathy to royalty opposed in pomp and bluster to our destiny. And now our infant land was framed in documents extolling jurisprudence in a panoply of ethical appurtenance, beneficence in language liberating all humanity. On land and water there embarked a flowering of innovation, aims, ideas, industry -- an incantational affair empowering our patriots, awakening a raw frontier, endeavoring to cleanse the soul, eviscerate barbaric practices, make heathens disappear while psalms and canticles of praise proliferate. The men who drove the kingly fleece of industry exuded sweat and breath, with bloody hemorrhage exacted by their masters as, peculiarly, the institution prospered on the crumbling bridge of tired tradition till a metamorphosis ensued amidst the flames and wailing, fratricide, and spirit of defiance deletorious to sacred unions ill-adapted to divide. And now the bloodied battle-weary multitude, recharged with reconstructive assiduity, though quite intimidated by the latitude awarded underlings in perpetuity, and duly exercised by libertarian traditions, foibles, and beliefs contrarian to actions blatantly communitarian, traversed a pathway less egalitarian. And battles brewed behind the bloated, blasphemous preponderating pose of progressivity, prohibiting, polemicizing; infamous, intemperant; relenting, though reluctantly, to global folderol and apprehensiveness that beckoned us to brashly delegitimize tyrannical regimes, to glow, to effloresce, to civilize, uplift, redeem and Christianize. But woe upon us, elements perfidious inveigled us (the neophyte custodian of freedom) to dispatch in ignominious defeat the dreaded Hun. But how Odyssean our labors! We encountered the proverbial bedlamic barbarous and belly-bloated beast of New imprudent Deals, a crude sabbatical from common sense until its victims were released from vassalage by innovation, enterprise, and merchantry ascending to the glorious empyrean, to once again immobilize marauding Huns while glittering in knightliness. And from the conflagration came a frigid peace, prosperity beyond the wild imaginings of battered peoples, but encumbered by caprice and paranoia, with the tyrants and the kings in fragile harmony, awash in phobia and fantasy, and threatened by ungodliness with rabble feeding from the bear's umbilica, regaling in authoritarian largesse, rejecting order in grotesque anarchical iconoclastic shows of prismic frippery, until in answer to this inexplicable perversion the untethering of industry enriched the masses through a serendipitous benevolence, confabulation with finesse, as all the world beheld a force preposterous with gallant starry-spangled shock and awesomeness, its confidence celestially reviviscent, but momentary in its blessed reverie as denizens of dubious and dark dement defiled the noble twins of law and liberty. |
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