Patriot's History







1609









1776




1789






1820s





1840s











1860s









1870s











1890s







1900







1918






1930s





1945






1950s










1960s





1980s





1990s






2001


Haranguing History (Patriot's Version)

Conditions embryonic and malevolent
confronted our intrepid primogenitors,
who puritanically endured the devilment
of natives insubordinate to promisors



of deeds and deities and rights to property
and bold prognostications of prosperity
through labor in the steaming fields, and liberty
begotten by antipathy to royalty



opposed in pomp and bluster to our destiny.
And now our infant land was framed in documents
extolling jurisprudence in a panoply
of ethical appurtenance, beneficence



in language liberating all humanity.
On land and water there embarked a flowering
of innovation, aims, ideas, industry --
an incantational affair empowering



our patriots, awakening a raw frontier,
endeavoring to cleanse the soul, eviscerate
barbaric practices, make heathens disappear
while psalms and canticles of praise proliferate.



The men who drove the kingly fleece of industry
exuded sweat and breath, with bloody hemorrhage
exacted by their masters as, peculiarly,
the institution prospered on the crumbling bridge



of tired tradition till a metamorphosis
ensued amidst the flames and wailing, fratricide,
and spirit of defiance deletorious
to sacred unions ill-adapted to divide.



And now the bloodied battle-weary multitude,
recharged with reconstructive assiduity,
though quite intimidated by the latitude
awarded underlings in perpetuity,



and duly exercised by libertarian
traditions, foibles, and beliefs contrarian
to actions blatantly communitarian,
traversed a pathway less egalitarian.



And battles brewed behind the bloated, blasphemous
preponderating pose of progressivity,
prohibiting, polemicizing; infamous,
intemperant; relenting, though reluctantly,



to global folderol and apprehensiveness
that beckoned us to brashly delegitimize
tyrannical regimes, to glow, to effloresce,
to civilize, uplift, redeem and Christianize.



But woe upon us, elements perfidious
inveigled us (the neophyte custodian
of freedom) to dispatch in ignominious
defeat the dreaded Hun. But how Odyssean



our labors! We encountered the proverbial
bedlamic barbarous and belly-bloated beast
of New imprudent Deals, a crude sabbatical
from common sense until its victims were released



from vassalage by innovation, enterprise,
and merchantry ascending to the glorious
empyrean, to once again immobilize
marauding Huns while glittering in knightliness.



And from the conflagration came a frigid peace,
prosperity beyond the wild imaginings
of battered peoples, but encumbered by caprice
and paranoia, with the tyrants and the kings



in fragile harmony, awash in phobia
and fantasy, and threatened by ungodliness
with rabble feeding from the bear's umbilica,
regaling in authoritarian largesse,



rejecting order in grotesque anarchical
iconoclastic shows of prismic frippery,
until in answer to this inexplicable
perversion the untethering of industry



enriched the masses through a serendipitous
benevolence, confabulation with finesse,
as all the world beheld a force preposterous
with gallant starry-spangled shock and awesomeness,



its confidence celestially reviviscent,
but momentary in its blessed reverie
as denizens of dubious and dark dement
defiled the noble twins of law and liberty.








































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